Heart of Stone

Editorial note. I am not sure when I wrote this, but I am thinking it dates back to around 1990 or so. I rather think this was around 1991 or 1992 after I'd been in the Air Force awhile and was getting homesick. It was a single sit-down writing exercise, with no point to it to start with, and as such, is not very fluid, or flowing... And if I were writing it today, I'd change wording here and there, fix grammer, make it better... but in the end, the conclusions I came to in my expression still hold true. I'll leave it exactly as I wrote it, except to allow Word's spell corrector to fix a few mistyped words here and there.

Take it for what it's worth... Ponder it. See how much stone YOU have left in your heart, in your life.

For crying out loud. This has been the fourth time this week that a cop has pulled me over. The first time was for a broken tail light. Then came two speeding tickets. What this time?

Well, here comes the cop. This doesn’t look good. With a name like Butkowski, and the size and demeanor of Rambo, it looks like I’m in trouble.

He says I ran a stop sign. He didn’t think it was too funny when I assured him that I would stop twice next time. So far this week’s tickets have totaled about four hundred dollars.

Well, like the guy on the radio is singing, I’m in between a rock and a heartache. If I don’t pay the tickets, then I’ll be stuck in jail. And I definitely don’t have the money. Not that much, anyway.

I guess it has been fun around here, but it is time to move on. I believe I’ll leave tomorrow and head for home. It has been about seven years since I’ve been back.

Pamela won’t understand why I must go. She’ll insist on paying for the tickets, but what she doesn’t realize is that that will cure the symptoms, not the disease. I’m homesick, and I’ve been awfully restless for a long time.

I wonder what Mom is doing today? I’ll have to call her and find out when I get home.

Pam is putting out her laundry. I might as well tell her now that I have decided to move on.

I knew that she would be upset, but I didn’t expect her to start crying. It might be a cruel attitude to have, but I guess life is full of heartache so you might as well give some as well as receive.


Well, I’m all packed up and ready to hit the road. Pam waves goodbye as I pull out. I begin to have second thoughts, but there’s no turning back.

I have now been driving for ten straight hours. I guess it’ll take about three more to get home. All of a sudden, this big tanker truck pulls into my lane, forcing my pickup into the guardrail. It was horrible, like a meat grinder. Needless to say, there’s not much left of me. I am dead, but as I now realize, that is only a technicality, as I can do more now than ever before.

I saw Mom today for the first time. What I mean is, on this side of life you see people as they really are, not as they appear. I never knew Mom was so beautiful. And some of the people I always really looked up to are no better than the ones who I always knew were bad characters. In fact, they are lower than low, because they have fooled so many people while the average bad person is at least honest about it.

I have also learned a lot about myself. I am not an entirely clean person myself. I have experienced degrading thoughts at times, but now I know that that is only normal. Very few people are perfect in every way, and those few people are very special.

I am a long way from that point, but I hope that people like me for being me, not for my money or possessions, of which I have very few.

Louis L’amour, one of my life-long heroes, I have met up here, and yes, he is still writing books!

The Earth is a lot different from what any mortal man could ever imagine. All of these religions and even the new age movements, are spreading a certain amount of good throughout the Earth, but there is not one true religion. All I can say is, live your life by letting your conscience be your guide. If you do not follow your conscience, then you are nothing. Literally.

Every lie you tell, at least when it goes against the grain, or every other act which you know is wrong, but do anyway, each thing chips away at your soul.

To best describe it, imagine a block of stone, one foot square. Every person is born with this object in their heart. Some people, at an early age, have other folks chipping pieces of stone off the block. This is parents who demoralize and abuse their children. Many of these children do not have a chance, for by the time they are adults the block is only about one inch square.

On the other hand, the block can grow. If someone who has a battered and beaten block of stone finds someone who accepts them and loves them, then sometimes the outside love adds mortar to the block, often making it better than it ever was before.

When you hear the term “Heart of Gold” applied to a person, then that person usually has a figurative block that is at least 10 inches square. Although everyone starts out with an even foot square, as the newborn innocence wears off, some of the stone rubs off. It is normal.

Some people, very few people, have absolutely no stone left in their hearts at the deathbed. These people are lost, as only good passes beyond the grave.

A vast majority of others, myself included, reach this place with at least a small part of their identity washed away. Only the good that was in them remains.